How to manage your social media profile (an introduction)

15 Dec

(Also an abject lesson)

So, I work for a lifestyle website during the day. And I spend a lot of time wishing that I could say something like this, or show my readers things I cannot (for this second link: Barbie Hoarder Dreamhouse!) Even under my real name, because these days, employers do Google you before they hire you.

Employers care about your social media profile
Can you believe this shit? We live in a world where your employer is going to Google your name and find your drunk pictures from university and that your aunt likes every. fucking. post you make on Facebook and the banal Instagrams you took that day you had a beer at lunch and suddenly all the street graffiti seemed like it was part of the cosmic adventure, man. And then they will decide whether your Klout score is worth your apparent alcoholic (or hippie) tendencies.

It seems to me that in medieval times it was the Church that sought to police the serf’s every thoughts. As long as they were worried about whether they might be found to be witches or sent to hell for coveting their neighbour’s wives, and reassuring themselves that really, God would let them through the gates of all glory, they weren’t too obsessed about the fact that they were starving to death while the bishops fed the fruits of their labour to local whores. (Where the fuck do you think these phrases come from?)

But now, it’s ourselves.

We are our own spin machines; our own PR. Yesterday I actually found myself wishes I had better dishes so that I could decorate one cupcake perfectly and put it on Pinterest — my god! This is why I learned to read and write and write essays about dramatic irony and do trigonometry and cook and love my children and work hard to buy housing, kitchen appliances and gas, so that I could create that one perfect cupcake! And people might share it and enhance my Klout score! — and here’s the thing.

Here’s the thing! I don’t even like to decorate cupcakes! I just kind of wanted to look like the kind of person who does!

The whole thing reminds me of a comedy sketch where a comic goes on about people being upset that they can’t use wifi on a plane. And they’re on a plane! In the air! Holy fuck!

The Internet is like that, if you ask me. Here we are with this amazing technology that did not exist at all while I was growing up (in fact, our phones connected to the wall while we were speaking on them) and what are a lot of us (me too) using it for? To buy shirts at Old Navy.

Y’know?

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But then, you see, I worry. If I say I like Old Navy have I just priced myself out of an executive position? Am I no longer hipster social media guru material?

In 1995 did I have to worry whether I was cool enough for my quite ordinary job?

Enrich your social media profile like this, or the love that dares not speak its name
So this is  the genesis of this blog: To share things I love, to write the stories women’s lifestyle website editors wish they could, and to basically have way too good a time for the cusp of the post-capitalist era.

To be as real as I can, given that I also have a Twitter account.

Social media advice
And oh yes: The love advice part. What can I say? I have been married 18 years. But it is way more complicated than that, because even though I promise you that I am (for real) utterly in love with my husband, and my Internet Boyfriend, I also have crushes and affairs all the time. Besides, on the Internet everyone’s an expert.

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